Installment #22 Chapter 3: Gaining Perspective
One issue At A Time
Issue #5-Coaches/Instructors
and Protecting Kids Dreams
Preface: The next issue--Coaches/Instructors and Protecting Our Kids Dreams--is close to my own
heart. My son played baseball all through school and for two years in college. The bleachers became my
second home. Sitting in the stands, I met the woman with stage 3 Cancer responsible for the start of my
blog and consequently my book.)listen to my podcast It
was on the bleachers that my son and I came to terms with the randomness, of life, the unfairness of some calls, the luck
of the draw, and rewards of hard work. I watched kids lose it and get benched, coaches lose it and get ousted, and parents lose it and
totally fail their kids. But what would disturb me the most was when a kid would say I’m quitting. I don’t
like the coach and he doesn’t like me. I don’t want to play anymore. We talked about redirecting focus when a student has this
attitude towards a teacher.It's Not About The Teacher It is no less important when our
son or daughter shows a serious interest in an extra-curricular activity but then, because of conflicts with the coach/ instructor
decides to call it quits. I do not believe middle schoolers should quit an extra curricular activity because of teacher conflict.
What will happen later on in their lives? Every time they have an issue with a co-worker, associate,
boss, whomever, will they quit a job they need or really like? Is this a way to learn how to deal with
life? No. Nor, do I believe kids need to quit. There are ways to redirect focus so that it is not about the coach, for example,
anymore than it is about the teacher. Let's talk PerspectiveIntro/Perspective This is vitally important for middle and high schoolers.
H20 to Go! Growing Emotional Resilience and Navigating Through Childhood
with Heart, Humor &
Optimism BY Margo Judge Updated 2009 H20 to Go!
Copyright, 2004
By Margo Judge All rights reserved.
All material on this website protected.
Permission granted for reprinting with
Attribution
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Sports & Extra
Curricular-Wen NOT to Quit
We were having lunch
before baseball practice. The conversation turned to baseball player, Jason Giambi and steroids.
My son, then in middle
school, told me a story he had heard on ESPN. An eight year old who, upon hearing that "Giambi was a ‘cheater’,
ran up to his room, tore Giambi's picture down from his wall and said he hated baseball and was never going to play again.
The father then wrote a letter to Giambi saying thanks for destroying his son's dream.
My son also told me that
several kids had decided not to play baseball because they said their coach was mean. First, what did 'mean' mean? Did this
coach yell, was he insulting? (Obviously any physical aggression would have been grounds for far more than just not playing).
According to my son, ‘mean’ meant yelling insulting things like- how could you make such a stupid mistake?!!??
I thought you were smarter than that!
Well, I replied, when you were younger and in lower school, it was important
for you to have positive role models to imitate and look up to. After all, I would not want you to grow up yelling at
other people! But now that you are in middle school, the real world comes into sharper view and learning how to cope with
difficult teachers or coaches is really, really important. One day you may need a job you can't afford to lose, or you might
need training you cannot do without, so you might have to put up with someone you don't like who isn't very nice.
So, let me ask you a question? How do you think you could juggle your love of baseball with a difficult coach? Would
you give it up rather than deal with this person? Or, would you rebel against the coach and talk back?
That would get
me kicked off the team Mom!
Right! So, would you quit?
I don’t mind my coach. Sam and Blake have a different
coach.
Yup, one that yells and they quit which was very foolish of them. If you wanted to quit for that reason
I would say you were foolish too. The idea of giving up something you love because the coach/teacher/instructor yells
makes no sense because it is you who loses out, I'm going to give you some advice you can use all through life. Put a wider
lens on your camera, peer through it, readjust your focus and take a real good look at the bigger picture. You love baseball,
for example, and the bigger picture means you focus on learning everything you possibly can about this sport and how it’s
played. The more you know the better you'll become, and the better you become, the more respected you will be, Respect vs Popularity and the more respected you are the more choices you'll have, and the more
choices you have, the more control you'll get, and the more control you get, the less likely it is you'll have to deal with
a mean coach! Phew! Ok?
Silence.
Right now, it would seem far more beneficial for you to concentrate on swings,
defense, running, stealing, and learning when to punt, base hit, or go for a home run? Why, after all, should a coach have
a seat right behind home plate in your head? Why should he take up valuable mental and emotional energy that could be used
running to first base as fast as you can, or getting that high ball in the outfield, or throwing to third base to get a runner
out? Or, studying the pitcher and trying to figure out what pitch he’s going to throw. Fun stuff! There
is a lot to learn if you want to play ball. Just as it’s not about the teacher teachers it’s about those skills she is carrying in a suitcase that you need,
it is also not about the coach. It's about getting your hands on that playbook and really learning it. I would also have told Sam and Blake that they'll have so many coaches in their
baseball life it would be down right silly to get stuck on one!
Besides, as you grow and learn, you will get noticed
for your determination, and unflappable personality. Believe me when I tell you that more advanced coaches really look for
those qualities as well as talent when choosing players for a team.
What's unflappable?
It means people can't bug
you--neat huh?
My son had some great coaches, some who loved to yell, and some whose strategic ability left a lot
to be desired. But my he kept playing, and learning, and developing. He had a dream of playing baseball in college and it
would have been sad to allow a coach's personality to take that away from him.
So, to that little boy's father
who wrote a letter to Giambi? No one person’s behavior should take your son’s dream away from him! Giambi isn't
baseball, Giambi plays baseball. There are terrific players, who are also ethical people like Derek Jeter and Cal Ripkin,
to name only two. Baseball is much larger than any one player or team. Honest and dishonest people will exist in baseball
just as they do in any sport, or organization, enterprise or group. Perspective Of course he should play baseball! True, he believed in Giambi,
and Giambi cheated and disappointed him, and wasn't a hero anymore. That's ok. He can be tomorrow's hero. He can act differently.
His picture can some day be on a wall and he can serve as a better role model for another eight year old.
And the
same applies to a coach. He/she is just a coach, not the game. Focus on the game.
The issue here, is
to give kids enough redirected focus (I've talked about this with bulliesbullies and with teachersteachers) so that no one can seriously trap their sense of self-worth or ambition
to play a sport, or engage in any extra—curricular. We want to keep them very close to us and our input for their
first ten years. When they are in lower school, we want to watch their environment and surround them with as many positive
role models as possible. Confidence and emotional strength are like a plant. They grow with support and affirmation. We want
to tell our young children every day how much we love them. We want tell them every day that they can succeed if they work
hard. If they give it their all, and show dedication and commitment then success will come to them in some form, guaranteed!
We also want to tell them that sometimes people will bug them, sometimes people will be mean, but no one can touch
their dream—that's safely locked away in a place only the dreamer has a key to. We tell them that yes, there will be
failure–but failure is good and necessary because we learn much more from failure than we do from success. We tell them
that on some days nothing will go right,and nothing will seem fair but good times always follow bad, so tomorrow is another
day. We want to tell them all of this constantly. This affirmation is not offering pie in the sky to a child whose athletic
abilities might never get him/her to the top. It is saying that if your child works hard, and stays motivated he/she
will achieve and accomplish in some form, and in some way. (I will talk of this again when we get to high school)
If our middle schooler decides to play a sport or participate in an extra-curricular activity it turns out not to be fun
because of the coach/instructor, the question to then ask is this:
Would you want to do this if you liked your coach?
If the answer is yes, then it is NOT about the coach. And the first time our child tells us that he or she wants to grow up to be or do something–that's
our cue to start supportng that dream, putting it in context ((it might clash with reality, but dreams usually do) and perspective
(good days always follow bad, failure is necessary to learn); and then let our children own their interests themselves through
motivation and commitment.And if then, they want to quit, it will be for the right reason-a positive reason-e.g to follow
another interest
END UPDATE: 2010 SUPER
BOWL "I cannot think of an athlete in this country who has meant so much to a community. [New Orleans]Now,
while helping to save a city, Brees has delivered the ultimate feel-good pill. When Super Bowl XLIV was supposed to be Manning's coronation, it instead became a platform for Brees to show the world that great human beings
still exist in sports despite all the scandals." From
: Saints Win? Maybe Brees Is 'Breesus' 2/08/2010 1:13 AM ET By Jay Mariotti
Next
Installment #24 The Last Word-To Athletes: Do Not Lose Your Cool
Updated 2009 Copyright, 2004
By Margo Judge and MomOpinion
Matters (TM)
All rights reserved.
All material on this website protected.
Permission
granted for reprinting with
Attribution to Margo@MomOpinion Matters (TM)
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