Special-Thursday September 30 2010

MomOpinion:

The Death of Rutgers University FreshmanTyler Clementi

Where Was the Humor? Where was the Heart?
Humor? Why would two educated Rutgers freshmen think it was ok to videotape a roommate in a sexual encounter, and then show it to others?  Did they think it would be entertaining? Scintillatingly funny? And that others would enjoy it!

Heart? Why would seemingly well balanced freshmen think it all right to invade someone else’s intimate privacy and then have complete lack of empathy for what that person might feel after such embarrassing public exposure?

Something went terribly wrong here.  And the reality is, a Human Being is dead. Note, I say, Human Being-not student, not promising musician, not an 18 year old with his whole life ahead if him.
A Human Being.
And unless we go back to basics, we will see more Human Beings fall victim to desensitization, depersonalization. And Humanity as a whole will fall prey.

I have met many parents and seen over and over again such relief when their children are doing well academically. They are proud and their relief often turns into a more laissez faire attitude towards their children's social behavior. They stop paying close attention to character development and start giving lots of behavioral passes –after all, things can’t be too bad if the grades are good. These parents seem to think there is a direct link between those A’s, Honor Roll and being well adjusted and emotionally mature. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We need first and foremost to raise a Humane Being. And a Being needs a great deal of nurturing and guiding before it becomes Humane.
This is what my book (H20 to Go! Growing Emotional Resilience and Navigating Through Childhood with Heart, Humor & Optimism) is all about. (See box below)
In it, I make crystally clear that Heart comes first because it encompasses a great deal more than Love.

Heart brings forth Empathy.
Empathy will bring forth Respect.
Respect brings forth Ethics.
And Ethics will bring forth Principles. 
Under this theory, those two students would never have done what they did.

The grades, the schools and the colleges are all secondary. A child will make his or her own way quite well if emotionally resilient and optimistic. But our children will only become humane if they are empathetic, ethical and principled.

I am sick at heart for Tyler Clementi and his family.
I am also sick at heart for his roommate and his ‘so-called’ friends and their families. They will have to live with this action forever--too high a consequence for not putting Heart and all it encompasses before all else.