H20: Chapter 3-Gaining Perspective

BOOK ON-LINE:

H20 TO GO!

Growing Emotional Resiliency & Navigating Through Childhood

with Heart, Humor & Optimism

By Margo Judge

I see a window upon a wll,

I see a courtyard, as well as a hall

And if I'm asked which sound I hear,

I'll say them all!

Some far, some near.

(Margo Judge)

Chapter Three-

Introducing Perspective-Looking For Clues In All The Right Places

So. We have begun to teach our very young how to share and play nice, use words, and say please and thank you.

We are there to intervene and to guide, to stop and to redirect, to show and to teach.

Then our toddlers enter nursery school, then pre-school, then Kindergarten.

They will be in a school setting more than they are home. Peers begin to have more influence over our child's emotional well being.

And so many little social moments will occur in the course of a day. By the time our young children get home, only the last or the most dramatic

will remain in the forefront of their little minds. They may share a story, Mommy, do you know what Johnny did today?

Or, Mommy guess what? Sally got a time out for hitting Johnny!

We get to see how our child socializes when they have a play date, are at a birthday party, or during some group activity.

But a parent and/or teacher are present and the environment, structured.

What happens, however, when our children happen upon an unstructured environment--

away from parent and not too close to teacher? How do they behave then? We can find out in a very open and unstructured area.

The playground. Yes, the playground, or school yard at recess time.

The Playground A Treasure Trove of Information

Our former Bernese Mountain dog Smudge never got to realize his true calling in life–

that of consummate babysitter, protector, and mediator.

He really should have been a school coach and or mascot. We live a block away from our neighborhood school.

Every morning when I took Smudge for a walk, he'd pull me towards the children gathered near the entrance of the school.

I made the mistake of taking him up to the line forming to go inside.

The teachers told me, in no uncertain terms, that he could not stay. They did not understand that this was Smudge's born role.

I had to drag him away. After that, we'd sit at the top of the hill and watch, until all the children had filed inside.

Only then was he willing to get up and leave the park. Because he loved children so much, I'd walk him back to the park

when I knew the kids were out at recess. I worked at home, and so my hours were very flexible.

We would sit and watch the children at play. They came to know Smudge, the dog who sat atop the hill

and some would run up every day to hug and pet him. Smudge never took his eyes off the children at play,

and was on constant alert for the occasional fight that always made him bark-cut it out!!!

We parents can all rest assured that whatever goes on in the classroom will ultimately be addressed at Back To School Night,

and at those first Parent/Teacher Conferences—we will voice our concerns and receive an analysis

of our child's academic strengths and weaknesses. But, as important as those academic concerns and observations may be,

they are no more important than what occurs outside of the classroom. For, it is in the halls, in the schoolyard a

nd on the playground, that our very young children's social strengths and weaknesses will burst forth

and where they will form a sense of themselves in relationship to their peers. Free time will determine our children's personalities;

expose their hurts or angers or fears. The playground will determine who will be accepted, or rejected; who becomes bully or victim;

who will lead and who will follow. It can shape patterns and memories that remain and sometimes haunt for years to come.

In short, the essence of our children's growing up will play itself out, not in the classroom, but outside, in unstructured settings-

where and when children are left to themselves to gather, and to figure out where they stand or sit in the pecking order.

When it comes to classroom progress, we have concrete markers. We see homework grades, test scores, progress reports,

and report cards and if our children are really struggling, their teachers are going to let us know.

We get plenty of academic heads ups with our younger children.

Yet, at the same time, we have little clue about how they are doing socially. There is no way to tell outside of their play dates at home,

or their conversations in the car, or when they are involved in some group activity. Also, on the school playground,

teachers are often not trained to watch social interaction as closely as they watch academic development.

They might notice generalities -that Emily has friends, or Charlie seems shy, but, outside of making sure no overt bullying,

or unacceptable play, or unsafe activity occurs,teachers often use playground time as a break to chat and relax,

or delegate to an assistant while they stay inside to grade papers. Is Sally spending most of her time with a click that excludes others?

Is Harry trying to join a group that won't let him in? Are the same clicks forming every day?

Outside of roughhousing and inappropriate name-calling, teachers might not know the nuances of social behavior and interaction.

Nor, in fairness might it be their responsibility To respond to every incidence of social imbalance or ostracism.

Part of growing up is figuring out how to deal with all sorts of peer situations. But we, as parents, should be aware.

Our awareness can help our children enormously because, the playground holds the power

to influence and develop a child's personality, positively, or negatively.

So what did I discover sitting on top of that hill with Smudge? I became aware of the little girl

who always went off to sit by herself. Sometimes, she would have a book,

sometimes she would talk to herself (maybe she had an imaginary friend).

No one ever came to talk to her that I saw. I wondered whether she was content or lonely.

I got to observe three boys who always played cards and laughed a lot! Sometimes others would come and join or watch.

The boys were friendly and outgoing. I noticed four girls who would stand and talk, giggle and whisper, move around, s

tand and talk, giggle some more, and move around some more. Always the same four.

No one was allowed to join them. Another girl tried once and the click just shrugged and moved away from her, whispering as they went.

I got to watch children running and chasing--

the ones who did the chasing and the ones who were always being chased, the ones who always lead, and the ones who always followed.

The whole social order of the school universe played itself out from atop the hill where Smudge and I sat every day.

If we do watch our children at free play, (and preferably without them realizing we are watching)

that does not mean we need to do anything.

It is rather that we then have a vital communications tool. We can attach our child’s experience to our own.

At some later time, when we're with our child we can say, if applicable-

You know I was thinking about when I was your age, and you know what?

I didn’t have a lot of friends, especially on the playground;

or I was always scared when I went outside at recess, or, I belonged to a click

that used to exclude certain kids for really stupid reasons

because I was just following along to be popular, and that was really wrong and I'm sorry now.

Even if we have to create a fictitious friend

who used to bully, or who was picked on, or shy or fat or stuttered or whatever,

doing so will help us connect with our children’s concerns and allow them an opportunity

to share and confront some of their own anxieties.

This kind of fictitious friend of ours can be very comforting to our young child.

The one thought we do not want to see seep into their consciousness

is feeling alone and apart. This is important because thinking they do not fit in,

or belong and that no one understands can become destructive later

when they cannot cope and go looking for a connection in all the wrong places.

Right now, they need beginner’s Perspective.

Just so you know, you are not the first and or the only little girl/boy to feel the way you do.

Halls, playgrounds or schoolyards have been the same for as long as there has been a school!

Certainly they were when I was your age!

And they will be so when you grow up and have children

Saying this takes the focus off of them, and onto their environment. They have just been introduced to the wider lens.

One final extremely important note:

According to Ross Ellis of Love Our Children USA Love Our Children USA

The Department of Justice reported that the risk of bullying peaks during middle childhood in a pattern similar to that for sibling assault.

The highest incidence occurs among 6- to 9-year-olds, who had rates of 21.5 percent past-year incidence and 28.0 percent lifetime incidence.

We really do need to view our young children openly and honestly if we are going to help guide them to emotionally strength.

That means sometimes seeing our very young child not only as victim but as bully or "clickee."as well.

And chances are, they will exhibit most of their negative behavior away from us.

I have known parents who had absolutely no idea their children were members of mean-spirited clicks,

or bully groups, who actively preyed on their peers. These parents cared about their children.

But, they were focused on work, and other things, and understood their children only as they saw them when they were together.

Warning: your child can be a whole other being away from you.

You do not want to end up saying-I had no idea she was going there, or doing that!

We cannot be clueless about our young children. We have to know them well enough to be one step ahead of them

and certainly before they enter middle school when we will have fewer chances to observe their behavior,

and they will have more opportunity to continue their behavior at friends houses and in cyber space.

We have to step back and take a long, hard look at what might be developing into a negative pattern

and nip it now-early, while their path is still flat and we are still beside them.

They need our eyes on them, and our voice in their ear. They need us there-our second moment of truth as parents.

Taking Stock First Parent Moment of Truth

So if at all possible, take some time off from work and try to volunteer for recess, playground duty

or field trips or just go and quietly observe your child in free play.

The best time would be before the first parent/teacher conference, so you can compare notes with the teacher,

and then again in the Spring to see how things have progressed through the school year and if patterns have set in.

If you really want to know how your young grade schooler is developing socially, you will find your answer there.

Again, it may not necessarily mean you have to do or change anything. But it can give you some objective perspective about your child

so that you can give your young child some valuable perspective.

And even if our son or daughter is showing no aggressive behavior or social anxiety it’s never a bad thing

to share school experiences from our own childhood.

Our past experiences should always telegraph that we survived the bully and/or the click,

the feeling ugly or different, we moved on and that there always comes a better tomorrow.

Then you can hug your child and say-

Look! I have you! I'm so lucky! I definitely got a terrific tomorrow!

This one little power sentence shows your child that

1) You overcame, (even if you didn't, your child must think you did, in order for him or her to grow emotional strength)

2) He/she is loved (Therefore, no matter what happens in the outside world,they are safe and loved at home)

3) Tomorrow is another day! ( Nothing ever stays as is)

Putting your child’s present in context with a past and a future,

is a very simple beginning to Perspective.

We cannot build emotional resilience without first Heart.Heart

We cannot build emotional strength without then Humor Humor as the foundation for Perspective.Perspective Preview/Blog

We cannot build emotional health without lastly Optimism.

We are moving forward--in baby steps.

Everything comes in its own time. As long as our children keep moving forward.

Right now we are holding their hand, and helping them carry their load and see the road.

Smudge had a special connection with children.

I truly believe that if he had been allowed to stay on a school playground,

he could have done so much to keep kids warmly in tow,

out of trouble, socially connected and empathetic.

Maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future, dogs (like Smudge) will be allowed to assist at recess--

as behavioral coaches!

Friday: The Final Word: A Simple Conversation You and Your Child Can Have To Practice Perspective

Comments to MomOpinionMatters

Installment #13,14/Ch 3 Cont'd

Updated 2009

Installment #13,14/Ch 3 Cont'd